Version 3
Oliver:
If it’s one thing I can depend on
It’s this feeling right here
How it rushes down into my core
And spreads throughout my whole body
In an instant relief
That is all I need
Even if it’ll cost me everything else
This is all that means something to me
And I need to protect it
Fight if I have to
Because you don’t know how important it is to me
And I don’t know how to express it
Why won’t you give me a chance?
Is that too much to ask of you?
To just stay a little longer
To just hold on
To me
To us
Have you forgotten that I am the only one who knows you?
The real you
I know how you like to be in control
But life doesn’t work that way
And that’s why you needed me
To be the puppet that you could fix
Don’t you get it?
You need someone to take care of in order to escape your pain
And I let you use me to the point where I needed you as well
And we both hid behind the other’s pain to survive our own
But I don’t need your pity
I just want to feel good for a little while
And if it’s one thing I can depend on
It’s this feeling right here
How it rushes down into my stomach
And spreads throughout my whole body
In an instant relief
This is all I need
And it will never leave me
Lisa:
You are better when you’re sleeping
Then I don’t have to constantly try to hold you back from spiraling down once more
To have the addiction get a hold of you,
and you not even remembering what you said the night before
Not that I don’t like holding you back
Pressing you hard up against me
And fight with everything I have
You need me to care
Because everyone else has given up
Even you stopped trying
But I'm here
Because you need to be seen
And I didn’t really see you until you are at your worst
Don’t you get it?
You are not addicted to anything other than attention
We drag each other down
No matter how amazing it feels.
That’s why you’re better when you’re sleeping
Then I can’t ruin you
When the addiction has no effect
And you just lie there, completely innocent
While we recharge before tomorrow's fight.
Norwegian version
Lisa:
Det skal jeg si deg
Du er best når du sover
For da slipper jeg å kjempe
Da slipper jeg å konstant prøve å holde deg tilbake
Ikke at jeg ikke liker å holde deg igjen
Presse deg hardt imot meg
Og kjempe med alt jeg har
Jeg vet at du også liker det.
Du liker det så godt at du kjemper imot.
Enda du egentlig ikke hadde et så stort behov i utgangspunktet
Du vil bare se hvor mye jeg bryr meg.
Du trenger at jeg bryr meg
For alle andre har gitt opp
Og du kan ikke si du er overrasket.
Men jeg er her
Enda det sakte, men sikkert tar livet av oss begge
For du trenger å bli sett
Og jeg ser deg aller mest når du har det som verst
Så da går du ned i den spiralen igjen
Rusen tar overhånd og du husker ikke engang hva som ble sagt dagen før
Men du vet du har blitt sett
Og det er den egentlige rusen du lever på.
Skjønner du ikke det?
Du er ikke avhengig av noe annet enn oppmerksomhet
Og jeg fôrer deg med det
Og jeg fôrer deg med alt annet som du egentlig ikke trenger
Vi drar hverandre ned
Uansett hvor deilig det føles.
Derfor er du best når du sover
Da kan jeg ikke ødelegge deg
Når rusen ikke har noen effekt
Og du bare ligger der, helt uskyldig
Og jeg kan føle meg trygg i armene dine
Mens vi lader opp til morgendagens kamp.
Version 1
Oliver:
You know what
I only want what’s best for you
And you made me feel like that could be me
When you looked at me
Caressed my skin
And made me feel like the only person in your world
And I really feel I can be the person you need
The one that spoils you
Protects you
And I want you to be that for me as well
Is that too much to ask of you?
To just stay a little longer
To just hold on
To me
To us
For I’m the only one that knows you
The real you
Because you like to be in control
But life doesn’t work that way
And that’s why you need me
To shield you
Don’t you get it?
You need someone to take care of in order to escape your pain
And I let you use me to the point where I needed you as well
And we both hid behind the other’s pain to survive our own
But then something changed
You changed
And we imploded
I only want the best for you
But you didn’t even say anything
You didn’t make a sound
And I was just there
without a clue of what was going on
You changed
You left
And I stayed the same
My first production, What I Wanted to Say, was created based on a monologue I wrote in 2018 about a woman leaving her alcoholic boyfriend. I decided to use the monologue and write a film around it showing both the good and the bad sides of the relationship, like the monologue also explores. Here I created a clear perspective and the visuals, as well as the monologue, explores the female’s point of view.
The film was written in Norwegian, but I decided I needed to translate it into English, to make it a part of my master’s thesis. Thus started the work on translating the text but keeping the tone and meaning of the original language. After a few rounds of rewrites, I could finally accept the translation and the fact that it missed some meaning from the original language but gained some new meaning in the translation.
Here I am displaying the original Norwegian version next to the English version I settled on for the script. There are only a couple of places where the sentences have gotten a new meaning.
When starting to work on the script for What I Wanted to Say from a directorial point of view I wanted to explore the thoughts of the main character, Oliver, as well, to find how he would rationalize his behavior. This became the start of my work on perspectives. I decided to explore him further and wrote a monologue for him using the format of Lisa’s monologue as a reference, to challenge myself to write something for him in a similar fashion. I tried different approaches, exploring various emotions and levels of self-awareness. After some rewrites I had a text that I felt gave justice to the character of Oliver, making him more human.
Here I am displaying some of the versions I tried out during the writing process. I'm putting them in chronological order to show where I started and how I moved on, with the 4th version being the one in the film. The exploration into the inner life of Oliver allowed me to get to know him better and to make him come to life for me both as a writer and director.
Adding Oliver’s voiceover to the film made it a clear study into perspectives. Placing the couple’s individual truths next to each other and exploring how they experience the ending of the relationship differently questions the reality. This allows the audience to make up their own mind on the situation. Neither of these voiceovers are the absolute truth, and that is not my aim with this film. The truth is subjective and is something we all have hid from. “Rob the average man of his life−illusion, and you rob him of his happiness at the same stroke”, Ibsen wrote in The Wild Duck. The life-illusion (or life-lie as it is in Norwegian) is something we are all carrying to justify our actions. With this film, I simply want to point that out without making a judgement on weather this kind of lying is right or wrong.
To get a clearer view of the duality in the film, and the two different "truths" being told, I am placing the two monologues next to each other. This shows the two different experiences of the relationship, but also to looks at their similarities. Both characters love one another, and both know that this must end.
Version 2
Oliver:
I’m just going to stay here
Hide in here forever
Surrounded by your smell
Reminded of your touch
Pretend that nothing will ever change
Why does anything have to change?
So, this is what love is?
A constant battle that you can never win
Who wants to play a game like that?
I thought we had something
Something unique
Something worth fighting for
So, why aren’t you fighting?
You just walk out instead
Without a word?
Like a coward!
I thought I could trust you
I thought I could depend on you
I felt I could be completely myself around you
I thought you could handle that
But maybe no one can
I thought I needed you
I thought I loved you
But maybe that was just how you played with me
You got in my head
I even let you be yourself
Let you use me
My misfortunes
To what you needed
To make you feel superior
To make you escape your own pain
And for what?
So, you could build up enough strength to run away?
English version
Lisa:
And that I’ll tell you
You are better when you’re sleeping
Then I don’t have to fight
Then I don’t have to constantly try to hold you back
Not that I don’t like holding you back
Pressing you hard up against me
And fight with everything I have
I know you like it too.
You like it so much that you fight back.
Even though you didn’t really care that much about it initially
You just want to see how much I care.
You need me to care
Because everyone else has given up
Even you stopped trying
But I'm here
Even if it slowly but surely sucks the lives out of us both
Because you need to be seen
And I didn't really see you until you were at your worst
So you start spiraling down once more
The addiction gets a hold of you, and you don’t even remember what you said the night before
But you know you've been seen
And that's the real fuel you crave
Don’t you get it?
You are not addicted to anything other than attention
And I feed you with it
And I feed you everything else you don’t really need
We drag each other down
No matter how amazing it feels.
That’s why you’re better when you’re sleeping
Then I can’t ruin you
When the addiction has no effect
And you just lie there, completely innocent
And I can feel safe in your arms
While we recharge before tomorrow's fight.
Version 4:
Oliver:
I only want what’s best for you
And you made me feel like that could be me
When you looked at me
Caressed my skin
And made me feel like the only person in your world
And I really feel I can be the person you need
The one that spoils you
Protects you
And I want you to be that for me as well
Is that too much to ask of you?
To just hold on
To me
To us
For I’m the only one that knows you
The real you
I know you like to be in control
You need someone to take care of in order to escape your pain
And I let you use me to the point where I needed you as well
And we both hid behind the other’s pain to survive our own
But then something changed
You changed
And we imploded
I only want the best for you
But you didn’t say anything
You didn’t make a sound
And I was just there, oblivious
You changed
You left
And I stayed the same
Oliver:
I only want what’s best for you
And you made me feel like that could be me
When you looked at me
Caressed my skin
And made me feel like the only person in your world
And I really feel I can be the person you need
The one that spoils you
Protects you
And I want you to be that for me as well
Is that too much to ask of you?
To just hold on
To me
To us
For I’m the only one that knows you
The real you
I know you like to be in control
You need someone to take care of in order to escape your pain
And I let you use me to the point where I needed you as well
And we both hid behind the other’s pain to survive our own
But then something changed
You changed
And we imploded
I only want the best for you
But you didn’t even say anything
You didn’t make a sound
And I was just there, oblivious
You changed
You left
And I stayed the same