N30

people , god , 

sleep paralysis , refugee, superpower , verse , christianity , prophetic powers , symbolic act , queen esther , body , talking , dreams , enter, jewlry

Ok, the card reads “The Booth” and I see this man converting himself. He is half-way into Superman and halfway into Clark Kent. In his life he is both at once, but he hides his real, his super-human self. When necessary, he enters the phone booth, changes his clothes and goes to save the world. And the girl of course. In his village, many people have very specific super powers that they activate with very specific ways. 

The card reads “The Fall” and it’s Alice in Wonderland. She is also Alice Through the Looking Glass. Well, it goes like this: Alice sees the rabbit in that forest kind-of-thing and then she follows the rabbit, she falls into its rabbit hole and goes through it and then just like this, she enters a world in which everything is weird. 

This card reads “The enterprise”, I don't recognize it at all. I have never seen it. What’s the point of that one? (…)

So, take Superman’s village for example; where everyone had superpowers, let me explain: it was not always like about flying ability, but it was very specific things, for example one person had flashes into the future. When she would feel somebody with the slightest touch, she would see how the future is like for that person.  I think there are people like this, with sense of intuition and prophetic powers. I have been in contact with people who are prophets. I also had dreams that have come true, really happened afterwards. I used to have what people call a sleep paralysis. I don't think it is a sleep paralysis, but let’s call it like this for now. I really think they're evil forces that come and attack me. It was maybe two years ago that I was sleeping and I felt that thing happening for the first time. I could feel myself laying down and I felt as if I was going out of me to see my body.  My upper body would actually lay but it was like my spirit was being seated - I didn’t go all the way up, just half of it. I sat and then immediately the dream came: my mom was sitting next to the bed, praying, I saw my mom praying, But I woke up and my mom was actually sleeping in real life next to me. So, we're sleeping next to each other but because of the sleep paralysis, I came out of my body and saw her pray, while she was asleep there next to me.

When people ask “if you could have a superpower which one would it be?”, there is always that fantasy of moving freely.  My first four years in Zurich as a refugee I did not have a passport. And I love to travel. You know what I did? I made sets of 25 postcards with pictures from Zurich and I was selling them or giving them to friends, sometimes with stamps, asking people to use them. That was a symbolic act for myself to feel that parts of me -maybe not me as a whole but parts of me- travel to specific places. 

For me Christianity and spirituality in the way I live them are the most real things. It's something that most people may believe it’s impossible or bizarre or merely intellectual but I live it in a way that it's more real to me than anything else. God, Christ, Jesus. Knowing that once I die, I will be in heaven with God, that for me is more real than you and me sitting here. My faith has always been a vehicle for me to know that there is so much more -even when I experienced the sleep paralysis, or different dreams. I always knew this it’s God telling me something. I never doubted it or thought I was going crazy, even when people would say “what are you talking about?" I always knew in my heart that I believe very much in this spirituality of the body. It’s soul and spirit -and my spirit is connected to that.

I don’t have a mantra or a repetitive word -on the contrary- I say a very conscious prayer like talking to God as I am talking to you now. I use my own words. I never repeat words from the Bible like in Catholicism, the Bible is for me about what I understand that Christ did and what I do that resembles that. I speak to God directly and there are no barriers. I just talk to God for everything all the time. Even when I was a refugee living in shelters. Maybe then, there was one time, the only time in my life when I thought “I don't want to be in this body, in my body”. 

It was after six months in Switzerland, me and my mom got transferred to a very bad shelter, that was like wooden boxes, living with other refugees, people we didn’t know of course. That was in Oerlikon, in front of the Stadium, and all the time I was there I was so sad and confused and lost, being there with all those strangers in this room. I've never had such a strong pain before. I was so disgusted by my reality. I was so angry and I remember for the first time everything was that dark. For the first time I thought God had crossed the line with me. I can take anything, left my home, left everything behind but in this moment, I felt so disappointed being in this situation, not being even able to have a minute for myself. 

I was crying for days, with tears, because all the time until then I was crying without tears. I remember that moment when I let it all came out of my heart. And next morning when I woke up, I switched my phone on, went to my facebook feed and while offline, I read this verse from the Book of Esther, that says something like: if you are in the place where you are, it's because there is a big reason for you to be in that place. And as I read that, I knew that was for me, you know, I was like okay, okay, I have to do this. Okay, God, I will do it. But it sucks. For years afterwards, I also had to consult psychiatrists and go through a lot of therapy, but that was it. I don't have a repetitive word or mantra, for me it was that verse at that time: I have a certainty.

If you think about it, this verse that came to me is from a story that was written 3000 years ago, but I knew that that verse that was in the context of the story of Queen Esther, was exactly God telling me like, “you have to be there and I have plans for you to be there”. And I have to be honest, that moment is very significant in my journey as a refugee and as a woman in general. Because I've seen that happening. I've seen how my struggle during those days had really paid off and had paved my path. I see so clearly now that I had to go through that. So, for me, it was really reassuring. I needed to have that moment of no hope, that was so dark, with so much frustration and confusion.

I think suffering will always be part of the human experience. I don't think it's something one can avoid but one can find purpose on everything. And what a joy is to find that purpose that helps me in whatever situation I ‘m in! And so, I learn to be joyful in every circumstances, no matter what. Like that moment. I couldn't enjoy anything and there are still days I almost cannot believe it. And God showed me this way that I was not alone. I really felt like God was carrying me. And then after that I had tough times, very tough times. But I always go back to that moment and think “it’s gonna be alright, it's alright”. That gives me that certainty that God is with me. And we seek that comfort and I tell this to people and they're like “you are crazy” but for me it’s a reality and I really experience in so many ways that God talks to me.

My device would be definitely something small that I can always carry with me so I don’t have to run to it in case of emergency. A piece of jewlry?

Device: necklace

Transition: spiritual 

Interface: faith