Here I look at a couple of journal entries from 03.02.25 and 15.04.25. These entries help me understand how my composition process for the concert Geographies of Hope supported a journey of self-restoration:
“I want to enjoy the music that I make. Like I used to. I want music and music making to be a restoration act for myself. To restore myself. Restore the balance. If I don't come back to a place of joy in music, my whole bachelor thesis will be a lie and a contradiction. I am damaged. I feel broken. I feel off. I struggle every day to find myself and feel grounded. My friends, community, and so many people around me are damaged. The planet. Full of wounds. I am desperate for hope.” (A. Valenzuela, personal communication, February 3, 2025).
In this entry it's possible to notice tension and struggle in the creative process. At the same time, the creative process itself represents a way to find hope. In the next entry, which is a month before the concert, describes a rehearsal day where I experienced self-doubt:
“I was in a terrible mood and became really self-conscious about my songs and the fact that most of them are sad. By the time we were done with the rehearsal, I was overwhelmed, tired, sad and decided to just go home. I crushed in my bed attaching myself to it like a starfish to a rock. I fell asleep listening to the sad songs of Nick Drake. It's ok to write sad songs if that’s what's coming out of honesty. But somehow, sometimes I wish there was more than this deep sadness to witness so much destruction and loss. And there is. It's just that when we talk about hope, I must give space to all the grief that I carry, because it's connected to the great love that I cherish for this Earth. I can only feel hope if I recognize the source of pain and despair, and then make a conscious decision to believe. Then hope becomes an act of restoration by itself. It's in essence an action, a verb, a breeze that sets my soul into movement. So in this chapter of my life, the songs are sad because I am grieving.” (A. Valenzuela, personal communication, April 15, 2025).
By the end of the entry, I arrive at a place that opens a way for acceptance of the songs and my creative process. I invite myself to find hope by welcoming difficult emotions and finding honesty in music.