Looking from the outside in, oftentimes the world of Classical music can seem idyllic, with a constant stream of creativity and artistic output. But what happens when it becomes the opposite? What happens when music itself becomes oppressive, with extremely high pressures and toxic interpersonal relationships causing mental health issues ranging from burnout to PTSD?
As someone who suffers from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) caused by years of abuse at the hands of a musician parent, I wanted to explore ways I could mitigate the effects of my symptoms and see if there was a way I could recapture the joy in music.
Inspired by the work of renowned trauma experts, I focussed on existing evidence pointing to a need for physical and psychological reintegration into the present, keeping in mind the triggering aspects of the world of Classical music. This I applied to the different areas of musical life - practice, lessons, and performance – using mindfulness and flow state concepts, as well as anxiety-reducing coping mechanisms learnt in therapy.
Inevitably trauma requires time to be fully healed and integrated; but so far, I notice a greater sense of emotional stability and psychological calm. On a musical level there is more enjoyment and less frustration in playing and practice, and in performance - whereas before I felt dread - there are now moments where I begin to feel a sense of joy.
I still need more in depth and intense therapies to fully recover, but for now, the future looks bright.
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