Contribution

My master’s studies resulted in something completely different than I expected it to be. I started studying again thinking that I would build upon my current career with the inspiration that I was creating with at that time. That inspiration was grounded in mythology, paganism, northern folklore music like Sami and ‘viking’ tradition. I was aiming at making a new project and continue the work I was doing in the same way I was used to do it. I wanted to create something folklore based, but I did not yet had an idea how that would look like and sound like, that was what I was going to figure out in my master’s studies.

But moving to Norway unfolded into exploring the religious texts of Christianity, attending Shamanistic rituals, taking a course in Chinese Medicine, and reading spiritual books. My interest has always been in these territories, and now it was apparently the time to shine a light on them even more. I discovered that my heart truly lies in these topics —wandering through the existential questions of life.

Wandering through the existential questions of life is both exciting and overwhelming; it seems so obvious and easy, yet at the same time, it makes me so doubtful. What do I truly know? And being a musician, why and what do I want to express through my music?

For quite some time during the master’s studies, I felt stuck in those existential questions and feelings. They blocked my inspiration to write new music because I really didn’t know what the essence of the music should be about, why I was writing, or for whom. The inspirations from my past didn’t feel as truthful anymore after I delved into the realms of religion and spirituality. Little by little it flet like that what I had built as a musician seemed empty and based on the wrong foundation; aiming to be acknowledged to feel loved. I discovered that what I was trying to do was creating even bigger identity because I thought this was needed to be a successful musician in these times. Now I see that I was doing that to fill the whole in my wounded “I am not good enough” heart, aiming to be acknowledged.

What is success actually? What does it mean? I became a celebrated, successful musician in the Netherlands, but it did not bring me what I was hoping for: a feeling of peace within myself, feeling good enough. I have been working towards something that I would never reach, since I was focussed on receiving it externally. I was acknowledged but it didn't feel that way to me, because I didn't acknowledge myself.. So building a career with the aim to become successful I do no longer believe in. It is not going to fulfil me as I now know is possible to be.

I discovered through the help of the symbolic meanings of the religious texts of Christianity, Shamanistic rituals, Taoism, Chinese Medicine, spiritual books, and conversations with my partner that the only way to create and find what I was searching for, comes from within, and to make it a bit broader, it comes from connecting within with something that is bigger than we can understand, a great spirit, the great life force, God I would say.In Septemb

er, I attended a beautiful indigenous ritual. The music used in that ritual gave me great insight into what I was searching for in my life, my music, and in this master’s study. It became clearer to me what my path in music and writing new music could look like. The music in that ritual was used for a very specific purpose: to praise and connect to something bigger than us—it was a prayer. This showed me how my music could become more meaningful for myself and for others. I want to inspire on a deeper level, just as I have been inspired and guided by music used in rituals like this.

I have received great inspiration from being deeply touched by texts I have read and healing rituals I have attended. These experiences have led me to make different choices, ultimately about one thing: to trust, praise, and choose life.

This life changing process

What I experienced over these last one and a half year is about embracing and accepting the truth, daring to face what does not serve me, and having the courage to let go. By confronting pain, fears, and doubts, I have developed a new relationship with myself based on love and trust. I have come to accept love and trust as the foundation of my existence.

In this process, I realized that I had a relationship with something that seemed to help me, something that guided me on the right path, but was actually destructive. Recognizing this has given me the courage to make different choices that bring me happiness.

I am very pleased with this development, and it feels logical to extend this to my profession as a musician. I feel that in this way, I can contribute to our society. How can my music and my lyrics be messengers in this? How can my music and my lyrics help others in their quests?

I want my music and lyrics to carry the power of remembrance, reminding us to choose what is truly good and healthy, what true love is. For too long, I forgot to stand up decisively in life. So much fear—fear of being abandoned, fear of not being good enough, with the daily voice saying, "I am not good enough," which held me back from doing the things I dream of doing. But that stops now. I am the one who has the power to change it, no one else.

Often, I made others responsible for making me feel good enough, but that always failed because, without my own conviction of being lovable, the praise of others meant nothing. The love expressed towards me could never truly enter because, as the receiver, I did not allow it to be received. The conviction within myself that I am loved in this life, by life itself, and that it has always been that way, was key to healing the fears and worries I had, being aware that this will be an ongoing process in my life.

It requires me to be honest—honest with the voices in my head, honest with the circumstances in my life, with the events, my thoughts, my relationships, and actions. It requires taking absolute responsibility for life.

Now that I remember this again, "I am in this life, and life is in me," it has become my inspiration for writing new music, I found direction again. There is a fire burning in me to remind others of their divine existence, to choose and dare to live up to our potential. Fear is a part of our lives, but by facing what we fear most, as Carl Jung says, “That which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.”  we can overcome, and so we do not have to be ruled by emotions that distract us from celebrating this path of life.

Besides that, there are forces much stronger than fear: faith, hope, and love. Truly believing in the path of faith, hope, and love can be challenging. I believe it is the only path that truly serves life. And even though I still feel so small on this path, so vulnerable, because I cannot yet completely feel, see, and believe what lies beyond that is worth fighting for, I still believe it is the only way and that it will be very promising.

Contribution

I would love to contribute to the music scene to spread this awareness, so we do not have to blindly create an identity and run after acknowledgement, feel alienated from ourselves in the work that we do that comes with being a musician, to be acknowledged and feel loved and feel we belong. I do not anymore see much value in ‘making it’ or becoming a big name, the value lies in doing what we love with devotion and inspiration so we can show up to life and therefore serve each other and bring meaning to everyday. I believe in the strength of community. Too long I have been doing this occupation as a musician and making my way through life on my own. Now I know that I have been longing for community all the time. Not just community in my daily life, this awareness and blessing I introduced a couple of years ago, but to introduce community in my musician hood as well.

I think music is the strongest way to communicate with each other and I want to contribute to let others experience how to express themselves through music too. It is so liberating. This year I started to organize voice exploration workshops together with my partner. We started to organize the workshops because we believe that the voice is a bridge between the inner and the outer world and therefore works as a powerful vehicle of self-exploration and a way to adventure into the unknown. Many of us suppress ourselves based on limiting beliefs like “my voice is not beautiful” or “I can’t sing”. We have therefore learned to manage and control our voices - perhaps out of fear of rejection or abandonment. When we regain the power of our voice this liberation can create ripples through our being, freeing us to say what we think, be who we are, and to express our true nature. With the workshops I want to contribute to letting go of limiting beliefs, to regain our strength and confidence. And besides that, singing together is a medicine, it is truly magical what happens when we create sound together with our voices.

Faith

Most of all I want to keep on walking on this path that strengthens my faith, which contributes to a deeper connection with life. It is believing that life will exactly unfold how it needs to unfold, I will bow for it. And by growing such great faith, my life could be beyond what I can imagine or dream of, rich because of the power of trust that opens within it. And by trusting life so deeply it becomes possible to see its beauty in everything. It makes me confident and peaceful within myself, and with that I will be a blessing to everyone I love around me. A greater deed I cannot think of. To quote Marianne Williamson again: “.. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others..”