There is a lump in your throat as she covers your shoulders with a blanket. For a second while she smiles at you, resting her hands on your shoulders. You desperately want to touch her hand. But you don’t dare. So you are just squeeze the corner of the blanket, cowardly making attempts to stretch out a finger to reach her hand.

– I’ll bring some tea, she says, leaving you there in front of a half-sewn leather BDSM suit.
You stare at it for a while and swallow all your saliva to regain control over your voice:
–  So awesome that youre making these..!
– Batshit crazy, right? But they pay good money for them.
You sit on the carpet to drink the elderflower tea. You are half-sitting half-lying on the floor. For a while you just talk and talk and it feels like time has stopped for you to enjoy this perfect moment. There is literally nothing on this Earth that could be better than sitting with her and inhaling the scented vapour of her room. 

Maybe just… touching her. You dig your nails into the fibre of the carpet and make your hand creep closer to her as if it were an animal. She laughs, so you keep on playing to entertain her. This little hand animal of yours is trying to hide under the pillows and behind the teapot. And get closer to her.
Well, it succeeds. Your hand stops less than an inch away from her thigh as if... as if it was afraid to go further. You fall out of the character. The game no longer exists. Now it is your hand and her body. You get a lump in your throat once again as the thought crosses your mind: I cannot. She can not be touched. I respect her and I am afraid of her.
You pinch the fabric of her dress and hold it between your fingers.

It just took the same time as taking a deep breath. 

The conversation continues but you are still holding on to her dress. Drawing small circles with your fingers, trying to memorize the feel of this fabric, of this moment, the closest you will ever get to her.

Because this, between the two of you, is not something that you are willing to risk for sex. 

And you know it wouldn’t be more. You know that you couldn’t. 

As you realize these things you let go of her dress,

but it’s like this was that last string binding you to this plane, and now

you are falling

and deeper

into the darkness